Breastfeeding journey
this is an emotional post, I formula fed Alanna, with some expressed milk in the first few weeks. Looking back I didn't have the support I needed or the understanding of how hard it can be. Her first 3 feeds were formula and every feed ended with the midwives fetching a top up of formula. All her feeds became formula and I was told I had tried, but she needed the formula. I ended up with pnd and this was a large part of the cause. For 10 years I have beaten myself for failing, for 10 years I've been trying to mentally make it up to her. I've felt guilty, a failure.
This time I thought about it while I was pregnant. I was determined to give it a go, but I had formula to hand and try not to worry if it didn't work.
Freya was born on Monday 7 November 2016 at 9:04am weighing 9lb 3oz. Fairly straight forward birth, with a 8 hour labour. What a different experience to last time. She was placed on my chest and we were covered together. The room was very calm and we were left to have skin to skin contact. Fairly quickly the midwife noticed Freya rooting. She quickly weighed her and gave her back, showing me how to help shape by breast for her. Freya latched on like a pro, she knew just what to do and had us in tears. She then slept for 6 hours. This was the start of the journey. To me, she was telling me this is what I want, now over to you mummy to work it out. I asked the midwives to be with me when I fed as I wasn't sure. They felt really supportive, although some weren't sure if it was right or not. WE left hospital the next day with me on cloud 9 that we were breastfeeding and it was going right! A bit painful, but I was new at it. In that first week we were back and forth to the midwives for checks. Freya spent a lot of time crying, and fidgetting around when feeding. We didn't know what was wrong so I would ask the midwives to watch. They suggested different ways to hold her and how I needed to do this or that. Apart from one appointment Freya's weight dropped. In that first week she dropped a pound. When she was a week old I was told she had to gain weight in two days or we would be back to the hospital. I felt like sucha failure. Our breastfeeding journey had hardly started and she was suffering. Also both my nipples were cracked, chunks missing and bleeding. Every feed was painful, but I kept going with the advice we were given. We had a rough night that Monday, so Tuesday morning as both Dan and I sobbed, we gave her a bottle of formula. She took it happily and was happy for a while. By the Wednesday she had gained some weight. Thursday I was back there in tears, she wouldn't latch propperly, she kept screaming, what was wrong. The midwives were busy, they didn't really have time but weighed her and she had dropped again. We agreed they would refer us to the feeding clinic,so 10 days olds back to the hospital for the feeding clinic. I was scared what they were going to say, what had we been doing wrong, how I obviousy shouldn't be breastfeeding.. my mind came up with so many ideas.
As it turns out the feeding clinic was the best place for us to go - 3 hours and our lives were changed. The nurse listened as I sobbed my way through our story. She watched me try to feed, gave me sympathy for the nipples and a pat on the back for getting this far. She told me not to worry about the weight loss, that there is normally some with breastfeeding and that Freya was fine. She changed the angle of our position slightly and Freya latched straight on!. For some reason we couldn't latch on the right, but I was encouraged to pump this side until Freya changed her mind. I expressed milk while I was there gave it to her and she was happy. We were recomended to look into cranialopthy as it may help with how Freya was holding her neck and to attend a local breastfeeding group for weekly support. I left there so much happier.
Over the next few days I tried to put the plan into action, offer both breasts and pump when I could. We soon discovered the manual pump hurt my back and left me in tears so Dan bought an electric one which was (and is) amazing. I found it was easier to stick with one breast at a time as it was too painful to keep changing.
On the next Monday I took Freya to the Cannington breastfeeding group. We met Sarah and various other lovely ladies there who were trained peer supporters. I had so many questions and they listened. Sarah watch us feed, made suggestions. They acknowledged the pain I was in, and the struggle we had gone through. One of the mums recommended a lotion to use which over time worked well. At this time I was living from one feed to the next, get through the next one then see, just one more. I was told it gets easier after 6 weeks, and I thought I won't know if it will unless I get there,.Slowly i increased to get through the next day then see. I reached out on the fb page and got he support I needed. Each Monday we went back with more questions, more tears, more blood(!), and they listened. Then came Christmas - 2 weeks of no group. I remember Sarah saying to me see you in January, I smiled and waved and thought I doubt it. I couldn't think that far ahead. Freya had some formula bottles, when it was too painful to feed, but I began to learn the longer between feeds the more painful it got. Every feed took the scabs off.
Then suddenly I noticed the scabs were getting smaller, Freya wasn't.t always covered in blood , the pain was getting less. I began to think a day at a time, then 2 days then a week. I learnt the phrase never give up on a bad day.After Christmas we were back at the group. We still went through more tears, and questions, but I could think further ahead. 2 months passed and my aim became 3 months. 7 February we made it. I treated myself to the bronze booby award for getting this far! About this time we managed to stop the formula feeds. I could express what we needed. The formula got pushed to the back of the counter.
My target changed to being 6 months. We carried on going to the group who helped us on my emotional ups and downs. We made friends, Freya and I started relaxing there. I started feeding her when we were out and it got easier and easier. My feed I'm really proud of was feeding her while I had a tattoo done!
Fast forward until now. Freya turned 6 months a week ago and we are still breastfeeding!! We celebrated gaining silver boobies. Freya has had some feeds lying down, sat up, me dangling above her, and even one upside down! She has the occasional bottle, but for the last 3 months that has only been expressed milk. I have a drawer full of frozen expressed milk ready for when I go back to work.
I've finally managed to sort a nursing bra so our new challenge is feeding over the top!
This journey has been a rollercoaster of emotions and nowhere near stopping yet. If it hadn't been for the feeding clinic and the breastfeeding support group I don't think we would have last 6 weeks! Freya has gained in weight and has some nice rolls of baby fat. I don't know how long it will carry on for, but as long as Freya wants it and I can give it we will breastfeed.
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